I’ve never hidden my passion for writing. Taking photos for this blog is only a portion of my passion. This actually isn’t my first blog. Nope, I had two before this that were solely for writing my thoughts down. Writing is my therapy. It is where I go when I’m in a dark place or when I need to share excitement. It is always there and I value my passion for it. Even when my heart breaks.
I made myself a promise when I moved to Napa. I told myself I would keep this blog up and update it as regularly as possible. Well in about 6 months I’ve done it twice. Normal things got in the way, the usual day to day, stresses of life, work projects, family matters and one big thing, I fell in love. So much for keeping my promise.
Now after being single for 5 1/2 years you could say I was long overdue to meet someone and fall hard for them. However nothing prepared me for this beautiful, chaotic, wonderful mess. I knew there was some reason God brought me to Napa and secretly hoped it would include meeting someone that I truly cared for. To be honest, I wasn’t prepared for it at all.
I met a man that I instantly hit it off with. We talked for hours, shared our faith, hopes, dreams, ambitions, anxieties, stresses and fears. It scared me how much I could see a future with him after only a few dates. Obviously I didn’t share any of this with him for months. It all seemed to be falling into place, his family had met mine, they all got along so well, it was meant to be, clearly. Well, no, sadly it was not.
I write this with tears in my eyes because I’m truthfully not ready to move on. I won’t go into details of how everything unraveled, but I truthfully didn’t see it coming. You could say I feel like I was hit by a train. I’ve never been quiet about my struggles with anxiety. However the last month has put me to the test. Watching someone you love go through something that you can’t help them through is extremely hard. It’s like watching a car get into an accident, you see it happening but you don’t know how it will end. Will someone get hurt? Will they be okay? As if that wasn’t enough, I lost my grandpa smack dab in the middle of all of this. I’m not sure where I found the strength to get out of bed to be honest.
I’ve gone through just about every emotion. Anger, frustration, sadness, hope, anxiety and depression. To have something ripped from your hands for a reason that could have been avoided is one of the hardest things I feel I’ll ever go through. I struggled with the back and forth of do I stay or go? If I’m making a difference, shouldn’t I stay? Shouldn’t I refuse to give up on someone who is a good person at heart and is just fighting a tough battle? I still don’t have the answers to these questions. However through this I realized something very important. I am worthy of not having to ask these questions. I am a smart, intelligent, personable, vivacious person and I deserve someone who loves those things about me. Which I’m confident he did. He just needs to focus on himself for a while. By the way, that is in no way meant to be cocky, but I finally after years of doubt, understand my self worth.
I’ve been through this before. The tears, the phone calls, the texts and the heartache. But I promised myself next time I gave someone my heart, it would be for good. I guess God had other plans. While struggling to understand the purpose for all this and what I’m supposed to learn from it, I realized that sometimes it’s just not about me. Sometimes it’s about helping the other person. So while I know I’ll continue to somehow get through this and grow, I pray I helped him in someway. I pray I was kind, encouraging, loving and helpful in any way he was needing. I pray he understands his worth and knows that he is an amazing man and one worthy of love. I firmly believe the true mark of maturity in your faith is when you can be as heartbroken as I am for someone and still continue to pray for them and their well being.
I know I will fail and I surely will cry many more tears but I will cling to my faith and know God has a plan for this mess. That He will take the pain, hurt, love, stress, chaos and make it into something that will glorify Him and work for His kingdom. I will have days I am angry. I will have days when I question Him and try to reason or bargain with Him. However, at the end of the day, I have no place bargaining with someone who knows my future and knows exactly how it will play out. He is in control and I will move where He moves me. Just like moving to Napa. I knew Gods hand was in all of it. It all went way too smoothly considering my track record of stressful decisions. Therefore I know He wants me here and I will stay until He moves me elsewhere. Hopefully not for a while, I kinda like it here. ❤️